My biggest character flaw

Yeah I am a hard ass I admit it. But there is always one thing that always bothers me and it drags me down; that is disappointing the people I care about.

I know it's a part of life, but throughout my childhood I have been led to believe that I was a big disappointment. I never realized until recently my parents said those things to me out of frustration. They said those things to me to get what they wanted, to have that drink, that last smoke, and i was in their way. Those comments have left some deep scars with me, and to this day it tears me apart when someone says to me I have pissed them off, I have disappointed them, or I make their lives unlivable.

I hear these things from my husband and some friends of mine, some of the time they are valid. I have a tendency to let my emotions take over and I fall overboard. Let's face it, I am a Scorpio. I have very deep emotions. I love, hate, get angry, get sad, or do anything to the extreme. There is no middle ground with me. What my emotions are is all or nothing, and I thank the people I hold close dearly for putting up with me.

I am not making excuses for my behavior, nor am I condoning it. I think of this more as a self analyzation. Because sometimes I wonder why I react to certain things the way i do. Why must written words hurt me so much? Why is it hard for me to accept criticism? I believe those problems stem from my childhood. At times there is a point where I think to myself, why must I even have companionship if all there is is unhappiness? If I make this person angry? I would be happier alone. I was never happier alone.

But I wanted to reach out when I was alone. I started building up relationships with inanimate objects when I was alone. I wanted that human companionship and acceptance. I never really got it from my parents. They were either too busy working, drinking, or on their own time. I never really had those days of family outings and such. If those happened we were taking trips to the grocery store and that was nothing special.

I wish I had that one on one time with my parents so I could learn how to build a relationship with someone. And if I did spend time with my parents I wish they never fed me negative criticism about how much of a burden I was as a young child. Those days are far and gone now, and I am barely picking up the pieces of my lost childhood. Yet I feel there is an empty space that is there. It shows when I am around other people. I am vulnerable, and weak, yet I have this high wall of hate that surrounds me like a fortress.

I ever wonder if I will ever make anyone happy just for being me. Just once. That would make my life complete. That would make me happy.

June 1989

It was a typical summer day. I woke up, walked with my mother to my dad's house in the morning, and spent the afternoon with an uncle. But things turned interesting once I decided to take a different route home

I have always wondered what the neighborhood was really like on the blocks between South Beaver, Milton, Butler, and Phoenix Avenue. To my surprise it was a lot like my neighborhood. Older homes probably built between the 20's to the 40's. Two stone churches graced the neighborhood, and the homes, well most of them, had nicely manicured yards. Flowers were everywhere, and I could hear the birds singing. This was a great time for a ten year old to enjoy the summer vacation. Then I heard my name.

Knowing my past with the kids I went to school with, my heart started to pound. I heard my name again... from a nearby house. Just walk by and don't make eye contact I told myself. I was not in the mood to get beat up today.

My name got even louder and this time I couldn't ignore it. I glanced up and there was this girl peeking her head through the screen door of the house on the corner. "Umm do I know you" I said rather idiotically. Of course I knew her, she was that really cool girl that loved music. Especially most of the bands I knew. (I won't mention her name due to privacy issues)

It turns out her and her cousin were hanging out and enjoying the summer afternoon as I was. Yet I was the only one walking in it. They were inside enjoying the luxuries of MTV on a summer day. I got introduced to her cousin, and was invited in. I felt strange.. but I went with it.

We all ended up sitting around the house, talking, laughing and analyzing music videos together. That all changed when one face ended up on television. The guitar player of Guns N Roses. To me he looked like a ragged drunk, but to the other girls he was a sex god. He was skinny, with lush curly hair hiding his face, and a black tophat to complete the ensemble. He was adorned in black leather, as if he were to hop on a Harley and ride into the Hollywood night. The television got turned off and a proposition was made

"I can get my Guns N Roses tape out, we can listen to it" the owner of the house said. Her cousin looked at her weary, as if trouble was about to brew. The owner marched to the back of the house, came back with a cassette in her hand, and she inserted it into this tower of a stereo system. Then she turned up the volume. This was gonna hurt for sure.

From what I knew about Guns N Roses before this point was I have heard them on the radio. I never got much of an impression of them because a lot of their music sounded twangy and country-ish. I remembered being on the Navajo Reservation at my grandmothers house the summer before this, getting up in the early morning hours to chase sheep around. After I got back to the house the radio would be playing and country would fill the house, with that smell of butchered sheep lingering in the air. This was not my idea of a summer vacation and listening to country was the worst because I knew at that time, I was in the middle of nowhere. I hated every second of that trip and chose never to stay at my grandmother's house again.

"Sweet Child O' Mine" came on the radio a few months after my trip, and it to me sounded country trying to be rock. I knew no background of this band, yet they turned me off. Little did I know about the rest of their music they had put out. "Paradise City" came out and it reminded me of Lynyrd Skynyrd, something my parents listened to. Don't get me wrong, I love classic rock, but if I had to listen to "Freebird" one more time I would have to kill someone. "Patience" came out and that did it for me. Twang Twang.

But once the cassette rolled this hot summer afternoon I felt sucker punched. I could taste my own blood in my mouth. Hearing that delayed guitar jump right out at me was unexpected. The rest of the band joined in and BOOM! it was over. I was a fan. More songs played and I was lusting for more. This type of music was raw, and so dangerous I could smell the sweat of every single member of that band. They weren't even in that same room I was in at that time, but that was the vibe I had. I had my mind set once the cousin yelled over the music to no avail "You think the cops will get called this time?" I was sold. I had to know the title of this album.

The owner of the house had me take a look at the cassette box, and my ten year old mind was wandering. Who was the singer, I knew who Slash was, thanks to MTV, but who was this cute singer I kept hearing about? I saw this bushy blonde guy with sunglasses and jean jacket on. That's gotta be him, I thought to myself. Wrong! I looked at the title section of the J card. I saw two banners above and below a cross like image. The cross had five skulls on it. I guess the skulls signified the members of the band. I saw the top banner said "Guns N Roses" but I had a hard time reading the bottom one. Being young, and having eyesight issues, those letters mushed together. they swayed back and forth, and of course the words were big. I did ask the title of the album, yet forgot later.

I had left that house realizing I had reached an epiphany in my young life. I had heard some life changing music that spoke volumes to me. I didn't hear "I'm fucking innocent!" I heard, "This is how I choose to express myself. You have your own voice, so don't be afraid to use it, If something bothers you, say something about it, and don't ever be afraid to show your emotions."

It took me a couple of months to really remember the title of the album, but once I did, it will stick with me for the rest of my life. That band has been a life changing experience, and if it wasn't for me taking a different route home... I would have still been a Def Leppard fan....

Thank you, you know who you are

I will always hove something to say

Let's get one thing straight. This is my personal blog, and the writing is based on my own thoughts and experiences. This is my place where I am entitled to "whine". If you cowardly fucks don't like whining, go somewhere else. First off too if you're gonna tell me not to whine in my own blog, at least have the balls to identify yourself.

I only laugh at your remarks cause they don't hurt me. Since you're too much of a chicken shit to let me know who you really are, you aren't worth much to me. If you don't like the material I post, move along...

All you are is dirt off my shoulders. I say that with a goodbye and a block, so goodbye :)

Well it finally happened

I have gotten banned from the forums.

I was already fuming about how the Moderators handle their positions and how they deal with discipline with other posters, yet there was a post that sent me over the edge. Two of them actually

One was:

"As long as we are sharing forum pet peeves, you know what I really hate? Those people who come on the forum seemingly for no other reason than to attack and bully other forumers just for the sake of making them feel bad.

I have even seen some people go as far as making jabs at others in their signatures! So sad.

It's particularly bad when you have grown adults picking on kids.

Just saying...don't care much for people like that."

another was:

"I hate when the same 4 or 5 people have to go into every thread belonging to certain other people, and pile on like a sack of smelly cat poo. And then complain when the OP decides to clean out the litter box."

Those were obvious stabs at a lot of posters who are in fact not rude, mean, or otherwise, merely people who are brutally honest. These same people make the same comments, yet they aren't penalized for their actions. I had a reply right after the both of them :

"Seeing posts like this makes my blood boil! This is a very untrue and spiteful accusation! If you can't handle the truth, that is simply your problem to deal with, and calling someone bullies and part of gangs is completely coward like and irrational. I am tired of it! Tired!

Perhaps I should follow you around from thread to thread and call you a bully, because that is exactly how you treat some of the posters here!

No one is treating anyone unfairly, and by God it is not your duty to play second lieutenant Ninja to the moderators here! Let the moderators do their jobs! Let the Moderator determine who is breaking the rules and who isn't! If you have a problem with someone, simply report them. Following people around, calling them trolls, bullies, and being a part of a gang is not going to help you in any shape or form, it will simply make you even worse than what you already are.

I have had enough of these useless accusations on myself, and some of the other posters, they get punished while you pass you false accusations. Something is wrong with this picture

I am fuming now. thank you very much!"

Yes I am sick and tired of these same people crying "Bully" every damn chance they get! Yet they can't accept fact and truth. It pisses me off to no end. I had made other posts in that thread, regarding who was originally being discussed.. yes DISCUSSED, yet a handful of us are banned. Do the instigators of this post get touched? None...well one of them did.

The Moderation of these forums are laughable! The ones who always post the "Ninjas Rock!" threads always never get a slap on the hand, where as the rest of us who have been there longer, and know the inner workings of how scams can be avoided... we are banned, penalized, and slandered for telling the truth. I am sick of it all!.

Did I learn anything from a forum ban? Yes I have: Unless you are a Ninja brown noser you will get far in the forums. If not, you are automatically put on the radar for disturbing the tranquility of the forums. The moderators have their pets, and in every single post it shows, crystal clear.

Once we were all banned, I saw a screenshot of one of those said people post a yet again "Hail Mary Ninja" post. Saying how great they are for being on top of the game. Right after we were banned. Basically the thread rang, "Ding dong the witches are dead, thank you mods for banning them all!" That pissed me off. I did like the moderator's reply though, for them not to stir the pot, since she is simply doing her job.

So why is it people like that only get a passing glance, while the rest of us are shot down? Because we don't worship the ground the moderators walk on, and we know again how people work. Most of us on that forum don't like liars, cheaters, scammers, and beggars. We frown on it, because we get taken advantage of, and they do that to other people there too! We expose these people for who they really are and get slapped down for that. Oh well then, you can have your liars, cheaters, and beggars. Don't cry to us when you get scammed, hacked, cheated, or taken advantage of. We don't give a fuck anymore!

Irritated

There are a lot of irritations I have, probably more than I should have. But there is one that gets under my skin. That is, abuse of power

YoVille is a game I play on Facebook, and I frequent it's adjacent forums a lot. Lately the staff had a change, and in my opinion that is for the worse

The moderators that started the place up were great. They were fair, up front, and told things like they are, tactfully. If rules were broken, they were kind enough to explain what, and a don't do it again. If one was banned, they would explain why the person was banned, for a certain amount of time

These new "Ninjas" as the moderators are called, are power hungry jerks who apparently like the thrill of slamming the hammer down if they get offended by a mere comment. No explanation, no reprimands, nothing.

This morning I woke to some disturbing news that a fellow forum friend was banned. She isn't the type to go and stir up trouble for the sheer fun of it, She is in fact kind. But I will say that she will not hesitate to defend herself when the time is needed. She isn't rude about it, and she will defend herself tactfully.

Online forums I thought were a venue where different discussions were allowed, as long as statements like "You're stupid for thinking that way", "You're an idiot for doing that", "This game fucking sucks"... etc were kept out of them. Every forum needs a healthy debate and discussion to keep them alive. Not for the mere posts of, " I got x amount of posts, go me!" "I got hacked, scammed, suckered, reported for no reason" ,"Oh this is so funny, does this outfit make my Yobutt look big?" that is utter garbage and should either have a section all to itself, or kept out of the forums altogether. This forum however discourages such debates and discussions, associating them with arguments, and they keep those mediocre threads open... they let those other threads happen. I like YoVille, I like the players but there should be a line drawn somewhere. I love a healthy debate.

Once the new moderators showed up, the rules changed. No one knew what was or wasn't allowed and that pissed majority of posters off. People got banned for no explanation, threads were getting shut down, without an explanation, and so on. What really pisses me off is a lot of the people who should be getting reprimanded aren't even getting looked at. No matter how many degrading posts they make, or no matter how many times they cuss, insult, or 'Troll" others

Ever since a fiasco from someone who used to post a lot in the forums, things there went to hell. Because of her, let's call her "Prankster" the word "Bully" has been popping up on people's posts for sharing a contrasting viewpoint and opinion, where other posts calling others "Troll, bully, part of a bullying gang" are getting no glances.

No my friend is neither a troll or a bully. But she did call out someone for posting phishing links in her mailbox, and her post. She shouldn't have gotten banned for that. Excessive bumping you say? She was in a Trading thread asking to buy YoCash and she wasn't the only one bumping that post. "Oh she said 'Booger butt'" Not offensive enough to get banned. I searched her posts and not one thing I saw was offensive. Not one thing!

I have a suggestion for Zynga. Pull the fucking plug on those forums! Start another one! Run them under the Zynga site. Supervise your mods and admins. Because right now it's a fucking communist camp going on there in those forums, The Moderators have their favorites and least favorites, and their actions of favoritism shows by their bannings and reprimands and handing out of disciplinary actions! We're not allowed to talk about disciplinary actions? I think there should be an appeals process for those who felt wrongfully banned.

Sio there's my rant for the day. I feel a whole lot better now

Going home

I have spent the last three weeks revisiting my home of Flagstaff Arizona, and I will tell you one thing. That place draws me in like a magnet. No matter how many idiot tourists come in and trash the place, and no matter how many snobby assholes from Phoenix and California come in to try and take over my home, it is still my home. and I will always call it my home.

During the Fourth of July Parade some asshole decided to bitch and whine to me about him being crowded out by my mother, me, my daughter who is 3, and other spectators who had young children. He decided to bitch at me about it. I basically told him he can either move, or take up a complaint with the local police department, who were in fact behind us. Since it was a public street with lots of other people crowded in the street he had no right to tell us to move. Once there was someone else that was carting her kids in the back of a wagon that "crowded him out" he and his family left. Good riddance!

Fifteen years ago I promised everyone I knew I would move away from Flagstaff and Arizona somewhere else and never come back. Others had said the same thing, although they returned. I see pictures of the mountains, of the old buildings, of the landscape and something just draws me back. Maybe it's familiarity, maybe it's the homeyness, but it still draws me in.

There are some great businesses in Flag that are the cream of the crop, so far this is all I can list:

Late for the Train - Our local version of Starbucks for better priced coffees that taste better, and is locally roasted

NiMarco's Pizza- I have been going to this establishment since I was 4 years old, and it was a small shack on the corner of Beaver street and Cottage Ave. Now it's expanded and modernized. They make the best pizza ever!

Monte Vista Hotel- One of the great historic hotels that was opened in 1927. They can call it "Hotel Monte Vista" all they want, but to me, it's always gonna be the Monte V. I had booked a room while staying here for a night with my husband, and it is a night I will never forget.

Weatherford Hotel/Charley's Grill and Pub- Another great hotel with an added bar and grill. Their food at Charley's is superior and priced reasonable. The staff is friendly, and the building itself can tell you stories of old. Next Flagstaff visit I plan on booking a room at the Weatherford.

Granny's Closet- If you're into sports, beer and chicken wings this is the place for you. Granny's makes the best wings around. They also do Italian, and American dishes as well

Bun Huggers- The name gets a lot of snickers but they make the best burgers ever, period, end of sentence. FiddRuckers came to Flagstaff only to lose business in a year. I suspect the locals favored Bun Huggers better.

Animas Trading Company- This store may not be for everyone, unless you're into shopping at unique import stores. They sell items that are handmade in India, Nepal, Guatemala, South America, and other countries, mostly selling hippie style clothing. They also have other shops scattered downtown that sell beads and import furniture from the Far East. Never would you find anything from the U.S. sold here.

MatrAnne's Cafe- Originally called Martans, They specialize in Mexican cuisine. Usually for breakfast they are crowded with a line on the sidewalk. They sure do make a great meal though.

Campus Coffee Bean- This is also another local roastery that I like to drink at. Mostly this place aims for the university crowd, hence the name of the place

Bookmans Entertainment Exchange- Forget Barnes & Noble, this place has everything you can think of. Books, music, software, knick knacks, posters, DVD's, VHS cassettes, magazines, video games and systems, and clothing. They do activities for kids all year around, and are community involved. I love them because even if they are a resale secondhand shop, they always have the best selection of books and everything else for a great price. What makes them even better is you can sell your own crap to them and they can either give you store credit or they can pay you in cash for your items, depending on what they are. The Flagstaff store's roof recently collapsed due to heavy snow and rain, but they are still buying and selling at local events, and at the Flagstaff visitors center. They also have locations in Tucson, Phoenix, and Mesa.

Flagstaff's store is due to reopen in late fall of this year. Too bad I didn't get a chance to go to the store, mostly to surf the web and read the books before I buy them.

Other places I wished I could go were:

The Lumberyard Brewery and Grill

McGaugh's Beer and Smoke Shop

Tinderbox Kitchen

Alpine Pizza

Maybe next time....

My appetite for destruction

Just what is it about Guns N' Roses' debut album, Appetite for Destruction? Is it the pure rawness of the music? Could it be the messages behind the lyrics, that can be interpreted in so many ways? Could it be the sheer drive of the way the music was mixed? Could it be the energy of the band? I think it's all of these things all rolled into one album.

I first listened to it back in June of 1989. I had heard of the band before, but the music I have heard was a little on the twangy side. So it didn't really speak out to me, other than, "Dammit this sounds country so it sucks." At that time, I was only 9, turning 10, and didn't hear the elements of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Aerosmith, and Led Zeppelin in the music. All I heard was twang and the smell of dust and sheep poop. That all changed once I heard the opening guitar lines of Welcome to the Jungle. If it were me meeting a person for the first time I would have been missing some teeth. It was a sucker punch for sure, because it was nothing I had expected.

For some time I had heard the music, finally I owned a copy of the album on cassette. I thought that was the coolest cassette to own, I carried it everywhere. I thought I was a privileged kid, listening to lyrics like "Why don't you just, fuck off, I'm fucking innocent, that old man is a real motherfucker gonna kick him on down the line, you're fucking crazy, " I had heard my parents talk like that but I never thought they would allow me to listen to music that had that same speech.

I grew up in an abusive home with addicted parents. I spent a lot of my time alone. But when I heard Axl Rose cuss out the world at high volumes, things would be okay with me again. Because he said things I have always wanted to say, whether it would be towards my parents, peers, bullies, or authority figures. At some point he would encourage me to say things that were on my mind, regardless of what other people thought. He basically taught me, "Who gives a fuck what other people think, it's your own voice, use it." So I did.

So Appetite for Destruction wasn't just another album in my CD collection, it was my inner voice. I thank those five guys for battling the elements of Hollywood to make themselves a rock n roll phenomenon, and recording every second of it. Their lyrics and music may have meant something to them, but it meant something entirely different to me.

Appetite for Destruction isn't just another album, it's a way of life for me.