My biggest character flaw

Yeah I am a hard ass I admit it. But there is always one thing that always bothers me and it drags me down; that is disappointing the people I care about.

I know it's a part of life, but throughout my childhood I have been led to believe that I was a big disappointment. I never realized until recently my parents said those things to me out of frustration. They said those things to me to get what they wanted, to have that drink, that last smoke, and i was in their way. Those comments have left some deep scars with me, and to this day it tears me apart when someone says to me I have pissed them off, I have disappointed them, or I make their lives unlivable.

I hear these things from my husband and some friends of mine, some of the time they are valid. I have a tendency to let my emotions take over and I fall overboard. Let's face it, I am a Scorpio. I have very deep emotions. I love, hate, get angry, get sad, or do anything to the extreme. There is no middle ground with me. What my emotions are is all or nothing, and I thank the people I hold close dearly for putting up with me.

I am not making excuses for my behavior, nor am I condoning it. I think of this more as a self analyzation. Because sometimes I wonder why I react to certain things the way i do. Why must written words hurt me so much? Why is it hard for me to accept criticism? I believe those problems stem from my childhood. At times there is a point where I think to myself, why must I even have companionship if all there is is unhappiness? If I make this person angry? I would be happier alone. I was never happier alone.

But I wanted to reach out when I was alone. I started building up relationships with inanimate objects when I was alone. I wanted that human companionship and acceptance. I never really got it from my parents. They were either too busy working, drinking, or on their own time. I never really had those days of family outings and such. If those happened we were taking trips to the grocery store and that was nothing special.

I wish I had that one on one time with my parents so I could learn how to build a relationship with someone. And if I did spend time with my parents I wish they never fed me negative criticism about how much of a burden I was as a young child. Those days are far and gone now, and I am barely picking up the pieces of my lost childhood. Yet I feel there is an empty space that is there. It shows when I am around other people. I am vulnerable, and weak, yet I have this high wall of hate that surrounds me like a fortress.

I ever wonder if I will ever make anyone happy just for being me. Just once. That would make my life complete. That would make me happy.

June 1989

It was a typical summer day. I woke up, walked with my mother to my dad's house in the morning, and spent the afternoon with an uncle. But things turned interesting once I decided to take a different route home

I have always wondered what the neighborhood was really like on the blocks between South Beaver, Milton, Butler, and Phoenix Avenue. To my surprise it was a lot like my neighborhood. Older homes probably built between the 20's to the 40's. Two stone churches graced the neighborhood, and the homes, well most of them, had nicely manicured yards. Flowers were everywhere, and I could hear the birds singing. This was a great time for a ten year old to enjoy the summer vacation. Then I heard my name.

Knowing my past with the kids I went to school with, my heart started to pound. I heard my name again... from a nearby house. Just walk by and don't make eye contact I told myself. I was not in the mood to get beat up today.

My name got even louder and this time I couldn't ignore it. I glanced up and there was this girl peeking her head through the screen door of the house on the corner. "Umm do I know you" I said rather idiotically. Of course I knew her, she was that really cool girl that loved music. Especially most of the bands I knew. (I won't mention her name due to privacy issues)

It turns out her and her cousin were hanging out and enjoying the summer afternoon as I was. Yet I was the only one walking in it. They were inside enjoying the luxuries of MTV on a summer day. I got introduced to her cousin, and was invited in. I felt strange.. but I went with it.

We all ended up sitting around the house, talking, laughing and analyzing music videos together. That all changed when one face ended up on television. The guitar player of Guns N Roses. To me he looked like a ragged drunk, but to the other girls he was a sex god. He was skinny, with lush curly hair hiding his face, and a black tophat to complete the ensemble. He was adorned in black leather, as if he were to hop on a Harley and ride into the Hollywood night. The television got turned off and a proposition was made

"I can get my Guns N Roses tape out, we can listen to it" the owner of the house said. Her cousin looked at her weary, as if trouble was about to brew. The owner marched to the back of the house, came back with a cassette in her hand, and she inserted it into this tower of a stereo system. Then she turned up the volume. This was gonna hurt for sure.

From what I knew about Guns N Roses before this point was I have heard them on the radio. I never got much of an impression of them because a lot of their music sounded twangy and country-ish. I remembered being on the Navajo Reservation at my grandmothers house the summer before this, getting up in the early morning hours to chase sheep around. After I got back to the house the radio would be playing and country would fill the house, with that smell of butchered sheep lingering in the air. This was not my idea of a summer vacation and listening to country was the worst because I knew at that time, I was in the middle of nowhere. I hated every second of that trip and chose never to stay at my grandmother's house again.

"Sweet Child O' Mine" came on the radio a few months after my trip, and it to me sounded country trying to be rock. I knew no background of this band, yet they turned me off. Little did I know about the rest of their music they had put out. "Paradise City" came out and it reminded me of Lynyrd Skynyrd, something my parents listened to. Don't get me wrong, I love classic rock, but if I had to listen to "Freebird" one more time I would have to kill someone. "Patience" came out and that did it for me. Twang Twang.

But once the cassette rolled this hot summer afternoon I felt sucker punched. I could taste my own blood in my mouth. Hearing that delayed guitar jump right out at me was unexpected. The rest of the band joined in and BOOM! it was over. I was a fan. More songs played and I was lusting for more. This type of music was raw, and so dangerous I could smell the sweat of every single member of that band. They weren't even in that same room I was in at that time, but that was the vibe I had. I had my mind set once the cousin yelled over the music to no avail "You think the cops will get called this time?" I was sold. I had to know the title of this album.

The owner of the house had me take a look at the cassette box, and my ten year old mind was wandering. Who was the singer, I knew who Slash was, thanks to MTV, but who was this cute singer I kept hearing about? I saw this bushy blonde guy with sunglasses and jean jacket on. That's gotta be him, I thought to myself. Wrong! I looked at the title section of the J card. I saw two banners above and below a cross like image. The cross had five skulls on it. I guess the skulls signified the members of the band. I saw the top banner said "Guns N Roses" but I had a hard time reading the bottom one. Being young, and having eyesight issues, those letters mushed together. they swayed back and forth, and of course the words were big. I did ask the title of the album, yet forgot later.

I had left that house realizing I had reached an epiphany in my young life. I had heard some life changing music that spoke volumes to me. I didn't hear "I'm fucking innocent!" I heard, "This is how I choose to express myself. You have your own voice, so don't be afraid to use it, If something bothers you, say something about it, and don't ever be afraid to show your emotions."

It took me a couple of months to really remember the title of the album, but once I did, it will stick with me for the rest of my life. That band has been a life changing experience, and if it wasn't for me taking a different route home... I would have still been a Def Leppard fan....

Thank you, you know who you are

I will always hove something to say

Let's get one thing straight. This is my personal blog, and the writing is based on my own thoughts and experiences. This is my place where I am entitled to "whine". If you cowardly fucks don't like whining, go somewhere else. First off too if you're gonna tell me not to whine in my own blog, at least have the balls to identify yourself.

I only laugh at your remarks cause they don't hurt me. Since you're too much of a chicken shit to let me know who you really are, you aren't worth much to me. If you don't like the material I post, move along...

All you are is dirt off my shoulders. I say that with a goodbye and a block, so goodbye :)

Well it finally happened

I have gotten banned from the forums.

I was already fuming about how the Moderators handle their positions and how they deal with discipline with other posters, yet there was a post that sent me over the edge. Two of them actually

One was:

"As long as we are sharing forum pet peeves, you know what I really hate? Those people who come on the forum seemingly for no other reason than to attack and bully other forumers just for the sake of making them feel bad.

I have even seen some people go as far as making jabs at others in their signatures! So sad.

It's particularly bad when you have grown adults picking on kids.

Just saying...don't care much for people like that."

another was:

"I hate when the same 4 or 5 people have to go into every thread belonging to certain other people, and pile on like a sack of smelly cat poo. And then complain when the OP decides to clean out the litter box."

Those were obvious stabs at a lot of posters who are in fact not rude, mean, or otherwise, merely people who are brutally honest. These same people make the same comments, yet they aren't penalized for their actions. I had a reply right after the both of them :

"Seeing posts like this makes my blood boil! This is a very untrue and spiteful accusation! If you can't handle the truth, that is simply your problem to deal with, and calling someone bullies and part of gangs is completely coward like and irrational. I am tired of it! Tired!

Perhaps I should follow you around from thread to thread and call you a bully, because that is exactly how you treat some of the posters here!

No one is treating anyone unfairly, and by God it is not your duty to play second lieutenant Ninja to the moderators here! Let the moderators do their jobs! Let the Moderator determine who is breaking the rules and who isn't! If you have a problem with someone, simply report them. Following people around, calling them trolls, bullies, and being a part of a gang is not going to help you in any shape or form, it will simply make you even worse than what you already are.

I have had enough of these useless accusations on myself, and some of the other posters, they get punished while you pass you false accusations. Something is wrong with this picture

I am fuming now. thank you very much!"

Yes I am sick and tired of these same people crying "Bully" every damn chance they get! Yet they can't accept fact and truth. It pisses me off to no end. I had made other posts in that thread, regarding who was originally being discussed.. yes DISCUSSED, yet a handful of us are banned. Do the instigators of this post get touched? None...well one of them did.

The Moderation of these forums are laughable! The ones who always post the "Ninjas Rock!" threads always never get a slap on the hand, where as the rest of us who have been there longer, and know the inner workings of how scams can be avoided... we are banned, penalized, and slandered for telling the truth. I am sick of it all!.

Did I learn anything from a forum ban? Yes I have: Unless you are a Ninja brown noser you will get far in the forums. If not, you are automatically put on the radar for disturbing the tranquility of the forums. The moderators have their pets, and in every single post it shows, crystal clear.

Once we were all banned, I saw a screenshot of one of those said people post a yet again "Hail Mary Ninja" post. Saying how great they are for being on top of the game. Right after we were banned. Basically the thread rang, "Ding dong the witches are dead, thank you mods for banning them all!" That pissed me off. I did like the moderator's reply though, for them not to stir the pot, since she is simply doing her job.

So why is it people like that only get a passing glance, while the rest of us are shot down? Because we don't worship the ground the moderators walk on, and we know again how people work. Most of us on that forum don't like liars, cheaters, scammers, and beggars. We frown on it, because we get taken advantage of, and they do that to other people there too! We expose these people for who they really are and get slapped down for that. Oh well then, you can have your liars, cheaters, and beggars. Don't cry to us when you get scammed, hacked, cheated, or taken advantage of. We don't give a fuck anymore!

Irritated

There are a lot of irritations I have, probably more than I should have. But there is one that gets under my skin. That is, abuse of power

YoVille is a game I play on Facebook, and I frequent it's adjacent forums a lot. Lately the staff had a change, and in my opinion that is for the worse

The moderators that started the place up were great. They were fair, up front, and told things like they are, tactfully. If rules were broken, they were kind enough to explain what, and a don't do it again. If one was banned, they would explain why the person was banned, for a certain amount of time

These new "Ninjas" as the moderators are called, are power hungry jerks who apparently like the thrill of slamming the hammer down if they get offended by a mere comment. No explanation, no reprimands, nothing.

This morning I woke to some disturbing news that a fellow forum friend was banned. She isn't the type to go and stir up trouble for the sheer fun of it, She is in fact kind. But I will say that she will not hesitate to defend herself when the time is needed. She isn't rude about it, and she will defend herself tactfully.

Online forums I thought were a venue where different discussions were allowed, as long as statements like "You're stupid for thinking that way", "You're an idiot for doing that", "This game fucking sucks"... etc were kept out of them. Every forum needs a healthy debate and discussion to keep them alive. Not for the mere posts of, " I got x amount of posts, go me!" "I got hacked, scammed, suckered, reported for no reason" ,"Oh this is so funny, does this outfit make my Yobutt look big?" that is utter garbage and should either have a section all to itself, or kept out of the forums altogether. This forum however discourages such debates and discussions, associating them with arguments, and they keep those mediocre threads open... they let those other threads happen. I like YoVille, I like the players but there should be a line drawn somewhere. I love a healthy debate.

Once the new moderators showed up, the rules changed. No one knew what was or wasn't allowed and that pissed majority of posters off. People got banned for no explanation, threads were getting shut down, without an explanation, and so on. What really pisses me off is a lot of the people who should be getting reprimanded aren't even getting looked at. No matter how many degrading posts they make, or no matter how many times they cuss, insult, or 'Troll" others

Ever since a fiasco from someone who used to post a lot in the forums, things there went to hell. Because of her, let's call her "Prankster" the word "Bully" has been popping up on people's posts for sharing a contrasting viewpoint and opinion, where other posts calling others "Troll, bully, part of a bullying gang" are getting no glances.

No my friend is neither a troll or a bully. But she did call out someone for posting phishing links in her mailbox, and her post. She shouldn't have gotten banned for that. Excessive bumping you say? She was in a Trading thread asking to buy YoCash and she wasn't the only one bumping that post. "Oh she said 'Booger butt'" Not offensive enough to get banned. I searched her posts and not one thing I saw was offensive. Not one thing!

I have a suggestion for Zynga. Pull the fucking plug on those forums! Start another one! Run them under the Zynga site. Supervise your mods and admins. Because right now it's a fucking communist camp going on there in those forums, The Moderators have their favorites and least favorites, and their actions of favoritism shows by their bannings and reprimands and handing out of disciplinary actions! We're not allowed to talk about disciplinary actions? I think there should be an appeals process for those who felt wrongfully banned.

Sio there's my rant for the day. I feel a whole lot better now

Going home

I have spent the last three weeks revisiting my home of Flagstaff Arizona, and I will tell you one thing. That place draws me in like a magnet. No matter how many idiot tourists come in and trash the place, and no matter how many snobby assholes from Phoenix and California come in to try and take over my home, it is still my home. and I will always call it my home.

During the Fourth of July Parade some asshole decided to bitch and whine to me about him being crowded out by my mother, me, my daughter who is 3, and other spectators who had young children. He decided to bitch at me about it. I basically told him he can either move, or take up a complaint with the local police department, who were in fact behind us. Since it was a public street with lots of other people crowded in the street he had no right to tell us to move. Once there was someone else that was carting her kids in the back of a wagon that "crowded him out" he and his family left. Good riddance!

Fifteen years ago I promised everyone I knew I would move away from Flagstaff and Arizona somewhere else and never come back. Others had said the same thing, although they returned. I see pictures of the mountains, of the old buildings, of the landscape and something just draws me back. Maybe it's familiarity, maybe it's the homeyness, but it still draws me in.

There are some great businesses in Flag that are the cream of the crop, so far this is all I can list:

Late for the Train - Our local version of Starbucks for better priced coffees that taste better, and is locally roasted

NiMarco's Pizza- I have been going to this establishment since I was 4 years old, and it was a small shack on the corner of Beaver street and Cottage Ave. Now it's expanded and modernized. They make the best pizza ever!

Monte Vista Hotel- One of the great historic hotels that was opened in 1927. They can call it "Hotel Monte Vista" all they want, but to me, it's always gonna be the Monte V. I had booked a room while staying here for a night with my husband, and it is a night I will never forget.

Weatherford Hotel/Charley's Grill and Pub- Another great hotel with an added bar and grill. Their food at Charley's is superior and priced reasonable. The staff is friendly, and the building itself can tell you stories of old. Next Flagstaff visit I plan on booking a room at the Weatherford.

Granny's Closet- If you're into sports, beer and chicken wings this is the place for you. Granny's makes the best wings around. They also do Italian, and American dishes as well

Bun Huggers- The name gets a lot of snickers but they make the best burgers ever, period, end of sentence. FiddRuckers came to Flagstaff only to lose business in a year. I suspect the locals favored Bun Huggers better.

Animas Trading Company- This store may not be for everyone, unless you're into shopping at unique import stores. They sell items that are handmade in India, Nepal, Guatemala, South America, and other countries, mostly selling hippie style clothing. They also have other shops scattered downtown that sell beads and import furniture from the Far East. Never would you find anything from the U.S. sold here.

MatrAnne's Cafe- Originally called Martans, They specialize in Mexican cuisine. Usually for breakfast they are crowded with a line on the sidewalk. They sure do make a great meal though.

Campus Coffee Bean- This is also another local roastery that I like to drink at. Mostly this place aims for the university crowd, hence the name of the place

Bookmans Entertainment Exchange- Forget Barnes & Noble, this place has everything you can think of. Books, music, software, knick knacks, posters, DVD's, VHS cassettes, magazines, video games and systems, and clothing. They do activities for kids all year around, and are community involved. I love them because even if they are a resale secondhand shop, they always have the best selection of books and everything else for a great price. What makes them even better is you can sell your own crap to them and they can either give you store credit or they can pay you in cash for your items, depending on what they are. The Flagstaff store's roof recently collapsed due to heavy snow and rain, but they are still buying and selling at local events, and at the Flagstaff visitors center. They also have locations in Tucson, Phoenix, and Mesa.

Flagstaff's store is due to reopen in late fall of this year. Too bad I didn't get a chance to go to the store, mostly to surf the web and read the books before I buy them.

Other places I wished I could go were:

The Lumberyard Brewery and Grill

McGaugh's Beer and Smoke Shop

Tinderbox Kitchen

Alpine Pizza

Maybe next time....

My appetite for destruction

Just what is it about Guns N' Roses' debut album, Appetite for Destruction? Is it the pure rawness of the music? Could it be the messages behind the lyrics, that can be interpreted in so many ways? Could it be the sheer drive of the way the music was mixed? Could it be the energy of the band? I think it's all of these things all rolled into one album.

I first listened to it back in June of 1989. I had heard of the band before, but the music I have heard was a little on the twangy side. So it didn't really speak out to me, other than, "Dammit this sounds country so it sucks." At that time, I was only 9, turning 10, and didn't hear the elements of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Aerosmith, and Led Zeppelin in the music. All I heard was twang and the smell of dust and sheep poop. That all changed once I heard the opening guitar lines of Welcome to the Jungle. If it were me meeting a person for the first time I would have been missing some teeth. It was a sucker punch for sure, because it was nothing I had expected.

For some time I had heard the music, finally I owned a copy of the album on cassette. I thought that was the coolest cassette to own, I carried it everywhere. I thought I was a privileged kid, listening to lyrics like "Why don't you just, fuck off, I'm fucking innocent, that old man is a real motherfucker gonna kick him on down the line, you're fucking crazy, " I had heard my parents talk like that but I never thought they would allow me to listen to music that had that same speech.

I grew up in an abusive home with addicted parents. I spent a lot of my time alone. But when I heard Axl Rose cuss out the world at high volumes, things would be okay with me again. Because he said things I have always wanted to say, whether it would be towards my parents, peers, bullies, or authority figures. At some point he would encourage me to say things that were on my mind, regardless of what other people thought. He basically taught me, "Who gives a fuck what other people think, it's your own voice, use it." So I did.

So Appetite for Destruction wasn't just another album in my CD collection, it was my inner voice. I thank those five guys for battling the elements of Hollywood to make themselves a rock n roll phenomenon, and recording every second of it. Their lyrics and music may have meant something to them, but it meant something entirely different to me.

Appetite for Destruction isn't just another album, it's a way of life for me.

Rockstar ambitions

I had this damn song in my head for the better part of three days:

Rockstar 101 - Rihanna -- Rated R

told ya

I told ya

I told ya

Baby

Baby

Uh, uh

I told ya, baby

Uh-oh

I told ya, baby

Uh-oh

I told ya, baby

Uh-oh

I told ya, baby

Uh-oh

I told ya, baby

Uh-oh

I told ya

Got up in the club

Won't sit in the back

Feeling so good

Looking so bad

Rocking this skirt

Rocking this club

Got my middle finger up

I don't really give a fuck

Rocking these diamonds

I'm rocking this chain

Make sure you get a picture

I'm rocking my fame

To be what you is

You gotta be what you are

The only thing I'm missing

Is a black guitar

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

Big city

Bright lights

Sleep all day

Up all night

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby its...

Big cities

And bright lights

Sleep all day

Up all nights

Baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Hey, hey, hey

Six inch walker

Big shit talker

I never play the victim

I'd rather be a stalker

So baby take me in

I'll disobey the law

Make sure you frisk me good

Check my panties and my bra

Wildn out

A crazy house

With my white jacket on

Wont you come

And sign me out

To be with you is

You gotta be what you are

The only thing I'm missing

Is a black guitar

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

Big city

White lights

Sleep all day

Up all night

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby its...

Big cities

And white lights

Sleep all day

Up all nights

Baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Hey, hey, hey

Hey

I'm rocking out tonight

Cause I can't wait till tomorrow

I'm a live my whole life

In the night

Cause I aint got time to borrow

I'm rocking out tonight

Why wait till tomorrow

I'm a live my whole life

In the night

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

Big city

White lights

Sleep all day

Up all night

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby

I'm a rockstar

Hey baby its...

Big cities

And white lights

Sleep all day

Up all nights

Baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Oh, baby I'm a

Hey, hey, hey

My take on honesty

Just what is honesty? In my opinion honesty is saying what you feel, not holding back anything, and being true to yourself. You don't care what people think of you, and only thing that matters is how you view yourself at the end of the day. That said I do have some issues with this online community I am in. I am also having problems with the game.

The forums, for YoVille (the game I used to like to play)
• They are getting way too political
• The moderators aren't fair with handling the rules
• it always feels like a whole lot of us are walking on eggshells
• There seems to be a hidden policy of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

The game itself I have issues with
• It never really runs as smoothly as it once used to
• too many popups
• too many items costing "YoCash", virtual currency that is bought with real money
• No in game moderation
• Too many malicious players

The more the days pass, the more I am tempted to just gift away everything I have and uninstall the game. I am not happy with it. In fact, I have grown bored with it. A lot of my friends hardly play, they just jump in game to clock in, do coin runs, and log back out. That's about where I am now, Go in, accept free gifts, check messages, clock into work, do a couple of coin runs before the game starts to bog, then log out. There is a saying "Why fix what isn't broke" yet the stability of this game gets worse and worse, and more new features are added.

The forums are a whole 'nother story. Two new moderators are there, and the old ones are gone. I don't know why the change, since the previous ones were doing a fine job, or so I thought. I am guessing staff rotation. So far, trolls, cheaters, and brown nosers rule the forums.

Just recently they developed a new contest for Twitter users, where we tweet so many time, within rules to win YoCash. Sure, we thought, no problem. But as the contest rolled through, there were winners announced. Those winners tweeted more than five times per day, and one of them who is unliked for one reason or another, wins because he is there in the forums kissing moderator ass. This infuiorates people, and we post in the forums to let them know that isn't right. BOOM Threads are closed, and some get banned for the dumbest reasons. Granted these forums are ran privately, but shit.. if you're gonna change the fucking rules, let the damn community know beforehand. The one who was banned posted a link to her blog... no problem it was YoVille related. Obviously, the higher ups saw different.

So this twitter contest is going on, and we decide to share our links to Twitter so we can keep in touch with each other. So we post our links in our signatures. It's been done since there ever was a YoVille forum, so whatever right? Wrong! One of those mods comes in and tells each and every one of us to delete our links, because they "Provide personal information" Ok, how about name changes, and ban all links, that would make it fair. No more fan pages, no more fan forums, no more facebook fan pages, they all contain personal info. How about banning all links from being used in the forums... The rules from that moment on get vague and skewed... which piss a lot of users off. We read and reread the rules, but nothing there says anything about the ins and outs of what is considered personal info. I even suggested my name to be changed because it contains elements of personal info in it... my real first name. Do they change it? Fuck no! They instead changed 3 other people's name, and the rest of us were overlooked.

There is a reason why I wanted my name changed, but I will get into that later.

More hell breaks loose when the second day twitter winners are announced. More cheating, more brown nosers win, yet those of us who followed the rules are again overlooked.

My name gets smeared again from someone stating that I was slamming her on someone's fan page. First off, she knows where I stand with her and her posts. I don't like them because they are sexually provocative, and those types of sexual innuendos should be kept off the forums. Since people under 18 post and read those forums, those posts should not be allowed. She had made one post about someone looking like... an alien, Yoda, something, but wouldn't mention who. It was funny to her, yet everyone else didn't see the humor. A friend of mine posted a link to her fanpage, letting everyone know this chick had her ass handed to her by my friend, and I clicked on it. To me, it contained potentially insulting material for anyone who was reading those forums, ... basically flaming someone else. She posted that thread to bait others to see it, and she was flaming someone still is unnamed. I posted on her page, yeah great post, you had balls, I wish I was there to add my two cents. That was it. Nothing insulting, nothing derogatory.. that was it.

So after I put my three year old daughter to bed, I find this post waiting for me. Of course it was closed by forum moderators, but there was my name... she screamed my name to the masses accusing me of chasing her off the forums, and conjuring up a group to seek her out and attack her, and other posters, which of course is untrue.

I will say this. Even if this is an online matter, I hate being accused for something I did not do. I absolutely hate it. It's not for public image, but fuck, tell the truth! She posted a link to the page, but no one fell for her bait this time. Most of them instead told her that she was making a huge deal out of nothing.

What did make me sick was the "Please don't let the bullies win" bullshit.. These people don't know half the story. I am so far from being a fucking bully. I just speak my mind.

It really pisses me off that honesty can bite me in the ass. Ok.. I do admit sometimes I can be sarcastic. But most of the time I do say what is on my mind, without being rude and obnoxious to others. I guess I have learned the value of tact, where some can say "This post sucks" I can say... "This post lacks amusement value, it's inappropriate, it's downright wrong" I have never called anyone stupid, idiot, (except in a private group) or anything else degrading while anyone was watching. I am just tired of the bullshit.

I am still debating if I should leave this app, and it's adjoining forums behind, but I do have people begging me to stay. For what reason? This game is going down the toilet, someone please pull the flush handle. I am not happy in YoVille anymore. I won't abandon the wonderful friends I have met there, but the game itself is a crashing bore, and forums are turning into an online cesspool. I am so over it now.

My Final Goodbye


Johnson Yazzie Sr

GANADO — Services are pending for Johnson Yazzie Sr., 91.

Yazzie died Monday, May 3, 2010, in Gallup. He was born Sept. 18, 1918, in Ganado, into the Zuni Red Running Into the Water People Clan for the Klizilani People Clan.

Rollie Mortuary is in charge of arrangements.

From the Independent

Thank you Grandpa for telling me to stay with my daughter. Thank you for telling me she needed me, and thank you for letting me know that you understood why I couldn't be there to say goodbye. I wanted to be there, but with Sadie being young she wouldn't understand why Mommy was gone for even a few days. She is too young to understand death.

I miss the times we spent together when I was younger. You spoiling me, like any grandfather would do for their grandkids. You made me understand what a true grandfather really is.

Updated May 15, 2010

GANADO — Services for Johnson Yazzie Sr., 92, were 10 a.m. today, May 6, at St. Anne’s Catholic Church, Klagetoh. The Rev. Cormac Antram, OFM officiated. Burial were in Klagetoh. A rosary was recited 6 p.m., May 5, at All Saints Catholic Church, Ganado.

Yazzie died May 3, 2010, in Gallup. He was born Sept. 30, 1918, in Ganado, into the Zuni Red Running Into the Water People Clan for the Many Goats People Clan.

Yazzie attended BIA Boarding School, Fort Defiance, Ganado Mission High School, Northern Arizona University and College of Ganado. He was Ganado Chapter Councilman from 1972-1977, advocate for adolescent substance abuse prevention, traditional counselor, mentor and scholar.

Survivors include his sons, Ronald of Sacramento, Calif., Jon of Albuquerque, Marwin of Flagstaff, Michael of Phoenix; daughters, Gloria Cox of Gallup, Lynda Yazzie of Ganado, Marilyn Yazzie of Ganado; brother, Richard Yazzie of Ganado; sisters, Elizabeth Hubbard, Adele Yazzie of Ganado; 13 grandchildren; 13 great-grandchildren.
Yazzie was preceded in death by his wife, Blanche; brothers, Billy, Benson, Charles Yazzie; parents, Marie Pahe, Bert Yazzie.

Pallbearers were Michael Yazzie, Marwin Yazzie, James Cox, John Cox, Jonathan Yazzie, Waylon Benally, Joshua Yazzie-McLane.

The family received relatives and friends at Klagetoh Chapter, following services.

Rollie Mortuary is in charge of arrangements.

Seething

I just hate days where I am so angry I see red. Noise pisses me off.. Snide remarks piss me off, Days like this I wish I could lock myself away until I find calmness. Alas I have to cater to a three year old

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. I would never harm her. But there are days when I just wish to be left alone, no noise no one here to bother me, ask for things, talk to me.... Those are the days I wish I can just lock myself away and just think... Not about anything in particular... but just think. Perhaps while I have a blog... write too.

There are a lot of things I wish for really. I wish for a daughter that knows how to use the toilet, I wish for a husband who was more supportive in certain aspects of child rearing, Those are the two main things. I wish I could have a place to practice music without being bothered. I thought I had a space all to my own... yet it has been invaded. I should be used to that. I have no fucking privacy! It drives me crazy at times. If I want the house to myself there better be a good damn reason for the two of them to get the hell out of here... Yet usually there isn't.

My husband? I love him to death but I have the feeling he doesn't know what it all takes to raise a child. He thinks that if my daughter can make a couple of deposits in the potty, she is potty trained... he doesn't have to get out of his chair, tell her she is a good girl, a big girl, and encourage her to use the bathroom out of the day... I will say this... no matter how frustrating my husband is about child rearing... he puts other guys to shame. Including my dad, who in his time as a father decided drugs, drinking, and drunken friends were cooler than looking after a daughter. Hey who could blame him? He was only in his 20's.

Times like this is when I wish I could drive. So I can drive somewhere by myself to be a lone for a few hours... This whole staying in with the family week after week is starting to piss me off to no end.

My favorite bookstore, only a memory

It was a hot summer back in 1990. The old strip mall where my father used to take me on afternoon outings was about to get a new tenant. That strip mall has some history to it for me.

As early as 1982, my parents and I moved into a small apartment on the west side of Flagstaff Arizona, where it was close to the local college, and mom just started working at the Burger King on the corner of Milton and University. Target was nothing but open field (built in 1994) and there was a strip mall across the street from our apartment, well across the street from another strip mall. Our apartment was behind the first one, named Sherwood Forest.

There was a grocery store there called El Rancho Market, and I thought it was cool. At four years old I thought them selling day glo child sized cups was awesome, and they made a special path just for me out of the linoleum. Orange and black tile lined the outer portions of the store, while the aisles were stark white. I always smelled fresh bread baking from the bakery, (where JoAnns is now) and dad always bought me a donut or a cookie from there while he and mom were grocery shopping. It was a sign of good times. When mom used to work late at Burger King, dad would take me to the laundry mat next door (Where the DES offices are), not to do laundry, but to step into the arcade. He could play Aviator for hours, and I would be so fascinated by him playing. Getting there for me was quite scary, since I was four. We had to cross a very busy street and my little four year old legs can only run so far or so fast.

I could always remember what dad bought at El Rancho... a loaf of bread, Top Ramen, Pot pies, and if he was with his friends, some beer. He would never buy meat there, he always went to the butcher down the road. But every time, it never failed, he would always go to the bakery first, buy a donut, or a cookie, hand it over to me, and continue shopping. I followed the orange and black path like I was driving the cart myself down an enchanted road. and would always cover my eyes when dad steered the cart away from the road.

My god I remember the Marquee on the front of the store

Bakery El Rancho Market Wine & Spirits

It's funny how I can get so attached to buildings, but they remind me of happier times with my family. El Rancho, Super Fun, Longs Drugs, and yes, even Safeway on Plaza Way. I can't help but laugh when I walk into Bun Huggers. they have crates you can sit on, me being four at the time, I didn't understand I couldn't lean back on these crates. I learned my lesson quite slowly and kissed the floor twice in a row.

Fast forward to 1990. I barely got out of fifth grade, and El Rancho was sitting empty for the longest time. My orange and black path was super dusty, and the tiles were falling out of the ceiling. I missed it in there. But I also saw people moving bright orange bookshelves into the empty space, where the liquor department and produce used to be. So I guess it was turning into a bookstore? Hmm... Nothing too interesting to an eleven year old. I obviously didn't pay enough attention, since lots of people were telling me about this great bookstore that just showed up in town, they sell used books, and such. Oh yeah... "You know you could have bought that Guns N Roses tape for a couple of bucks there too right?"

One afternoon I was walking home in the hot Summer sun, and decided to stop by a friends house. I had recently bought a cassette to replaces another one that had been broken. I saved up ten dollars and some change and walked down to the record shop to buy my tape. My friend saw my purchase and said "You know you could have bought that at Bokman's right?"

"What's Bookman's? I asked stupidly.

"Only the coolest bookstore in town, they just opened" she said

"Where is it at?" I asked

"It's down by Burger King on Milton, across the street from there, next to Long's"

By I felt like an idiot... That was the same bookstore moving into El Rancho... I guess they had officially opened and I failed to get notified until much later about it. I felt dumb.

So far I don't know how many copies of Appetite for Destruction I have bought there. Probably so many the staff know me by now. I bought books, music, magazines, and close to everything else at that store. It became my hangout. The other portion of E Rancho was still vacant, until the House of Fabrics moved in. Long's turned into Hasting's, and the House of Fabrics turned into Joann Fabrics. A new building was added that now houses Michael's, and the other side now has Pier One Imports. Probably the only place that had stayed the same since I was a kid in that whole strip mall was TCBY and Peter Piper Pizza. Everything else changed. I was ecstatic when my mom got hired at the fabric store. She was right next door to Bookmans, and having the excuse to bother her during work gave me the lamer excuse to spend time in Bookmans with hours on end.

A few months ago I had read on Flagstaff's online newspaper the roof to Bookman's and Joann Fabrics collapsed. My heart sank. My husband and I planned to make a trip to Arizona to see my family again, yet I can't hang out in my little corner by the coffee shop. The store is close to demolished now. The good news is they both plan to return in late fall/early winter of this year, the bad news is I can't visit the Bookman's I have come to know and love... I have to go down to the Valley to even go to a Bookmans. I also plan on leaving some items behind at the Phoenix store.

I love Bookmans so much I decided to paint an ugly pressboard bookshelf to that bright orange color Bookmans uses to paint it's bookshelves.

Hmm why did they paint their bookshelves bright orange? Is that Bob's (Owner and founding person) favorite color? Is it something that made the store distinguished from other bookstores, since other bookstores just left theirs fake laminate, and stain? Possibly to land jets in their stores for more customer base? Who knows.

If anyone finds themselves in Arizona, (Tucson, Phoenix, Mesa, or Flagstaff) I highly recommend a trip there to Bookmans. They sell close to everything, and don't charge an arm and a leg for it. They also have a warm inviting feeling once you walk into the store. Almost like coming home. They have everything ranging from housewares, books, comics, cassettes, VHS cassettes, DVDs video games, Compact discs, magazines and everything in between. You can also bring in your stuff you don't want anymore for cash or trade credit. They offer free WiFi, allow seeing eye animals, some offer coffee shops, and have things to do for kids on certain days. Barnes N Noble don't even come close as far as charm is concerned.

God I miss Bookmans...

Blood runs thicker than mud

Today, May 3, 2010 marks the end for my grandfather, Johnson Yazzie Sr. He seemed to be everything a successful person wanted to be. He had political success doing work for the Navajo tribe in the 50's and 60's, He had a strong spiritual connection with the Creator, and he had a family who, even if they were rough around the edges, the were always there for each other.

I remember as a child he would visit me and spoil me so much. My mom and dad had marital problems later and I saw my grandfather less and less. I don't know why but I never asked why either. During a divorce I felt that I shouldn't ask questions, like if the two of them was my fault, and if I would ever see my other family again.

After mom and dad split, I saw and resented my mom's family more, and saw and missed my dad's side of the family. I heard my mother talking shit about how low my dad's family was, yet her family was much worse. No one in her family had a chair on the Tribal Council, worked and helped run a national historic landmark (Hubbell Trading Post) worked with kids who had developmental disabilities, married a successful man who is in the medical field, or even moved away from home to pursue better jobs, and college opportunities. All they did was raise and herd sheep, pass judgement on others, and drank and smoked themselves into oblivion. Most of them faded away into nothing, while some are raising a family at an early age, while they are kids themselves, growing marijuana, getting high, getting drunk, and raising their kids to be much like themselves, abusive, neglectful, self righteous dope heads and drunks. And they have the right to pass judgement on me, my dad, or my dads family??? I am apparently a bitch, no good, never will go far in life according to them. They tell my mother on a constant basis she fucked up hard with me and my sister... like she doesn't know that already. They say my dad is a loser who won't go far, yet he has a steady job, has been at that job for ten years, and has a good enough roof over his head. They say my dad's family are scum, yet they really don't know them and how successful they really are...

Then I look at my grandfather. The man who loved everyone, for who they were, no matter where they came from. I introduced him to John and he took him in as his own son then. I wish I was still in Arizona so Sadie knew who he was. I wished I could have introduced him to a wonderful man. He had a wife who passed away fifteen years ago, Some called her a bitch, but now I realize where I get that no holds barred thing from, I get it from her and my uncle Mike, who were not scared of whatever they said and they didn't care who got offended. They didn't even care what others thought of them, because they were their own people, with their own ideals, and their own way of thinking. I laugh at people who tell me I am rude, that I am too harsh, that I'm a bitch. Because I am a free thinker? That's why I am a bitch? I don't even have to cuss to get my point across. Look at the way I conduct myself on the forums, I have said lots of brutally honest things, yet I have never been banned or reprimanded by a moderator. But the other users in the forums don't like me all that much. Hell I even get chased around by a 14 year old kid who tries at ends to rile me and my friends up. We sit there and laugh. What an idiot we think. He is wasting his time.

So my family lines run deeper with my dad's side of the family more than ever. I haven't spent that much time with them, but it feels like I can taste their blood when I speak, or do anything else. I'm not an angry person, just honest. I hope to raise my daughter to not be afraid to use her voice too. She sure as hell isn't gonna be a pushover like I was when I was young.

My dear Grandfather I do miss him. I wished I seen him more, then again I may have seen him more than I thought. Maybe he's seeing me now, typing this entry. I feel his hand on my shoulder while I type this, telling me don't stop what you're doing, because it's better to let it all out now, than never. I am proud of my dad's family. I love what they did, and what they stood for. So here's to you Grandpa! I love you with every fiber of my being, and I will always be your "Itty Bitty", and I am honored to carry the last name "Yazzie" in my married name

Johnson Yazzie Sr

1918-2010

Family Lines

I have been talking to my uncle and I just realized how we somehow co exist, even when I was younger I was always told that "I remind everyone of uncle Mike" I guess our views are quite the same too. Like If you aren't here in the States legally just go the fuck home, and we have no set religions, simply because that kind of stuff doesn't turn us on per se.

I been thinking about my family history as well. Lines of abuse, neglect, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse from both sides. It's quite sad. I have gotten to the point to where I refuse to be around most of my family, simply because of the way they act. My mom's side, people are ignorant, prejudiced, and very judgmental, yet some of them are living in a worse place than I am. Some force religion down everyone's throats simply because that was how they were brainwashed back when they were kids, and some don't know either where to turn, or they don't know or recognize their own strengths, so they simply stay home, no jobs, and get high... or drunk... for the better part of their days. They have the nerve to pass negative judgment on me, yet they are much worse off than I am. I detect some jealousy there.

On my dad's side it always seems everyone fights about something and grudges carry on through years.. or worse... decades.

I think to myself that I am glad I moved out here to Florida, where john's family line is very stable, and is always there if we needed help or what not.

I have always had some animosity with my mother's side of the family though, I spent a lot more time with them, so I feel they have hurt me the worst. There have been planned family trips that I have been excluded out of, simply because even as a child, I spoke my mind. I was not the quiet kid if I was done wrong. So I have been excluded out of trips to Disneyland, and Six Flags, because I refused to follow God, I was a fan of a rock band, I spoke my mind, and I was thought of to have a presence of the devil with me. So now I figure.. Fuck them. I choose not to have Sadie around that kind of poison what so ever. I don't want to see them again, I don't want them to see Sadie and pass their shit to her. I want Sadie to feel confident to make up her own mind about what she wants to do in life. And whatever she wishes to do, she will always be loved.

That's what I love about John's family. They let you fall, but they will always be there if you need them. No matter what. Of course no one can forgive selling stolen personal belongings for drug money... there is a line somewhere. But I have had meltdowns with Johns family and through those meltdowns I feel that I have gotten stronger in the process. I still resent my family and what they have done to me. I wish I had a mother and father who told me things were going to be ok if I came home crying if i got picked on, I wish I had parents who would sit with me and help me with homework assignments, I wish I had parents who wouldn't tell me how much of a horrible person I was, or that they wished they had a son instead of a daughter, or who didn't beat me with a belt if I spoke out of turn. I wish I could have been treated as someone who was that age, say if I was a nine year old, I wish I wasn't treated like I was five. I wish that my extended family didn't talk shit about my mom while she wasn't there, and they wouldn't talk shit about me when I was out of the room, but within earshot.

I fucking hate my family sometimes. But there are few i have forgiven, like my mom and dad.

My uncle Mike I always looked up to, I always heard everyone talk shit about him, but I admired him because he said what needed to be said, and never gave a shit about what anyone else thought. I think I have adopted that frame of mind with myself as well...

Both of us have this to say.. If you don't like us, Fuck you... We never liked you either. We are honest people who won't feed anyone shit because it what people want to hear.. It may be abrasive but at least it's honest.

What classifies a "bully?"

I am getting so tired of accusations of me bullying others. First off, what is exactly "Bullying"? wikipedia defines it as "Bullying is an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally. Also, Bullying is characterized by an individual behaving in a certain way to gain power over another person." or "exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons." He defines negative action as "when a person intentionally inflicts injury or discomfort upon another person, through physical contact, through words or in other ways."

Let's start from the beginning shall we. I was a victim of childhood bullying. I had people on a daily basis tease me because of the way I looked, the way I dressed, the type of music I listened to, and the types of parenting I had. It went on for the better part of my childhood until I decided one fateful day to make a stand against it. I have been called derogatory names, I have been ridiculed I have been mocked, and I have been physically abused, all over the fact that I was albino, and couldn't see well. Little did my bullies know was I grew up in an abusive home. My mother and father drank, and took drugs as a means to run from their past, and their withdrawals led them to be violent and emotionally abusive toward me. So I know the definition of bullying

Fast forward to today. I belong to an online community that is in conjunction to a game that I like and play on my downtime. I admit I am one of those that speaks my mind, is blunt, and doesn't hold back an ounce of truth if I can help it. Being repressed in an abusive home, and also being a Guns N Roses fan, has taught me to speak if I feel either something isn't right, or I don't agree with something. I say whatever I need to say, but there is no vulgarity in my forum posts at all, there is also no signs of ridicule. On my personal Facebook site I feel that is my personal space to vent about whatever I am feeling, and people can take that if they wish, or not. It is entirely their choice in the end to read the posts reply to them, or completely ignore them and either delete me or what not from their friends list. I will never repress my thoughts and emotions from anyone. that is just how I am.

So far on this online community I have been accused of being a bully, simply because I do not agree with certain posters, and either their chosen words, or actions at that time. I am sorry but your definition of "bully" is false. It is called a difference of opinion.

Some friends of mine and I have been invited to join a site, as a joke to another poster. Yet again I am accused of bullying, simply by being guilty by association. In the meantime while that site gets taken down, my personal e mails from another user surface. This inferiorates me, since first off this was a private conversation from months past, that have absolutely nothing to do with what they are fighting against in the here and now. I have been bullied by users on this online community by a "Freebie attack" (sending an ungodly amount of free gifts to my game account in attempt to freeze it or bog down my computer) along with horrible messages enclosed with the gifts. I did go to the forums and asked for this behavior to cease, and it did. Those people know what they did was wrong, but instead of later apologizing to me, they say I deserve it because I "rub people the wrong way" So far I haven't seen any of these people post, but I do feel that they know what they did was wrong, and they refuse to come back and either admit they were wrong, or simply apologizing for their actions. I have since dropped it.

After my e mails surface, I say my piece, that the owner of the site is a piece of scum, that is no better of a person than we are by airing private conversations from private e mails and groups. A lot of us have had our names slung in mud just so this idiot can have her glory of being a "good cyber citizen" She has since had her facebook account deactivated, and reinstated.

I post my opinions in the forums, and I automatically get accused of bullying, three times. I even have it in my status for the game "Having an opinion and a mind of my own does not make me a bully" But of course there are going to be certain people there who wish to push buttons. I have never, called anyone names, tried to take over power, chase after these people daily to ridicule them, or threaten them in the least bit. Their definition of Bully needs to be updated. One of these days they may call me a bully in a heated moment, and I may have a day in civil court for defamation, if I get any accounts revoked.

I have had it. I am not a bully, I am a truthful person, and if the truth hurts, Deal with it.

Something to think about

I was saying in an earlier entry that I wished sometimes I was never uprooted from, my hometown. For me now allergies play a huge role in that. In Flagstaff the only thing I ever had to worry about was cold and cabin fever. It's interesting how climate changes can affect one's lifestyles. Or comfort levels for that matter.

In Arizona, I never suffered from allergies, I was more active, and I had more of a social life. Since I didn't drive my only link to my own sanity is the local transit lines. Say what you will about city transit, it sure beats having to beg for rides everywhere just to get out of the house. For someone like me who has very poor eyesight, poor enough to where I am not legally allowed to drive, transit was my rope to sanity. My link to the outside world. I remember those days of calling my mom, dad, friends, and such telling them "Hey let's go here, there, wherever, I'll be on the next bus" That seems like days of old now.

The allergies here are awful, I wake up some mornings to have a headache so bad I can't even bear to open my eyes, my nose feels like I sniffed gasoline the night before, and my stomach feels like I drank an oil sludge. I never woke up in Flagstaff that way, Now I would be grateful to wake up to use a cold toilet seat, and waling across a cold floor. Anything would beat the more than once a week migraines.

I am gearing up to go back to Flagstaff this summer. I haven't been more excited to go back home in this long. I can't wait to see the mountains, hang out at my old hangouts, make a photo and video doc of where I lived when I was younger, and spend time with my mom, dad and sister. If only for two weeks, I will live those two weeks up to the fullest. I won't be going back for a while after that.

I was one of those people who said, "I hate this place I wish I could move and never come back" but that town has called my name, even a week after I moved here to Florida. I never realized what I really had there, a family, a job, a band, a comfortable place to live, reliable internet, no allergies, transit, ...gosh seems the possibilities were endless there, and I was too hasty to leave.

It all comes down to this, even if I did leave my home, I will always have a home with my wonderful husband and daughter, so all the migraines in the world are worth it to be with them.

My first post

I have blogged before, but it was years ago. I decided to pick it up, more for my personal benefit. I always have liked to journal, but never had that desire to pick up a pen and simply write. So much about me, so I will start with the basics

My name is Duff, and have no idea why my parents named me that. I happen to be a huge fan of Guns N Roses, and coincidentally, the bass player from that band's name is Duff McKagan. I have always loved music all my life, since my mother was a music major in college when I was younger, and my father played in a local band. I had musical influence from everything, from Mozart to Van Halen to ZZ Top. My parents preferred hard rock and progressive rock though. So that rubbed off on me. We grew up in poor neighborhoods, so I got influenced as well by rap, hip hop and R&B. Country and Rockabilly were never to my taste since it reminded me of long hot summer vacations on the reservation, waking up at 6 o'clock in the morning, to herd sheep. I always thought to myself, waking up at 6AM to run after a herd of sheep is not my idea of a summer vacation.

My parents grew up on the reservation of Arizona, and both are full blood Navako. My father is albino though, so I get a lot of physical traits from him. From the poor eyesight, to the light skin. I however, grew up in the city of Flagstaff Arizona, a little mountain town that grew up around the railroad. I have recently relocated to Florida with my husband to start a family of my own, but I sometimes think to myself how much I could stay in Flagstaff. So I can show my daughter where I grew up, she can go to the schools I went to, she can graduate at the same high school, and she can get to know a lot of people and get that sense of being home if she ever moves away, and comes back for a visit. Here in this little town we are at now, it's a small close knit community, but has very little to do for youth. that is, unless they sign up for after school sports or such. I wish there was more for Sadie to do around here that was more kid oriented, like there is in Flagstaff. This town we are in now is more rural though, so there's not a whole lot of options for anyone to do. If you want anything to do here in Keystone Heights, You're better off driving to Gainesville or Jacksonville.

I will most definitely add more later, but for now, this is it.