Family Lines

I have been talking to my uncle and I just realized how we somehow co exist, even when I was younger I was always told that "I remind everyone of uncle Mike" I guess our views are quite the same too. Like If you aren't here in the States legally just go the fuck home, and we have no set religions, simply because that kind of stuff doesn't turn us on per se.

I been thinking about my family history as well. Lines of abuse, neglect, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse from both sides. It's quite sad. I have gotten to the point to where I refuse to be around most of my family, simply because of the way they act. My mom's side, people are ignorant, prejudiced, and very judgmental, yet some of them are living in a worse place than I am. Some force religion down everyone's throats simply because that was how they were brainwashed back when they were kids, and some don't know either where to turn, or they don't know or recognize their own strengths, so they simply stay home, no jobs, and get high... or drunk... for the better part of their days. They have the nerve to pass negative judgment on me, yet they are much worse off than I am. I detect some jealousy there.

On my dad's side it always seems everyone fights about something and grudges carry on through years.. or worse... decades.

I think to myself that I am glad I moved out here to Florida, where john's family line is very stable, and is always there if we needed help or what not.

I have always had some animosity with my mother's side of the family though, I spent a lot more time with them, so I feel they have hurt me the worst. There have been planned family trips that I have been excluded out of, simply because even as a child, I spoke my mind. I was not the quiet kid if I was done wrong. So I have been excluded out of trips to Disneyland, and Six Flags, because I refused to follow God, I was a fan of a rock band, I spoke my mind, and I was thought of to have a presence of the devil with me. So now I figure.. Fuck them. I choose not to have Sadie around that kind of poison what so ever. I don't want to see them again, I don't want them to see Sadie and pass their shit to her. I want Sadie to feel confident to make up her own mind about what she wants to do in life. And whatever she wishes to do, she will always be loved.

That's what I love about John's family. They let you fall, but they will always be there if you need them. No matter what. Of course no one can forgive selling stolen personal belongings for drug money... there is a line somewhere. But I have had meltdowns with Johns family and through those meltdowns I feel that I have gotten stronger in the process. I still resent my family and what they have done to me. I wish I had a mother and father who told me things were going to be ok if I came home crying if i got picked on, I wish I had parents who would sit with me and help me with homework assignments, I wish I had parents who wouldn't tell me how much of a horrible person I was, or that they wished they had a son instead of a daughter, or who didn't beat me with a belt if I spoke out of turn. I wish I could have been treated as someone who was that age, say if I was a nine year old, I wish I wasn't treated like I was five. I wish that my extended family didn't talk shit about my mom while she wasn't there, and they wouldn't talk shit about me when I was out of the room, but within earshot.

I fucking hate my family sometimes. But there are few i have forgiven, like my mom and dad.

My uncle Mike I always looked up to, I always heard everyone talk shit about him, but I admired him because he said what needed to be said, and never gave a shit about what anyone else thought. I think I have adopted that frame of mind with myself as well...

Both of us have this to say.. If you don't like us, Fuck you... We never liked you either. We are honest people who won't feed anyone shit because it what people want to hear.. It may be abrasive but at least it's honest.

What classifies a "bully?"

I am getting so tired of accusations of me bullying others. First off, what is exactly "Bullying"? wikipedia defines it as "Bullying is an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally. Also, Bullying is characterized by an individual behaving in a certain way to gain power over another person." or "exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons." He defines negative action as "when a person intentionally inflicts injury or discomfort upon another person, through physical contact, through words or in other ways."

Let's start from the beginning shall we. I was a victim of childhood bullying. I had people on a daily basis tease me because of the way I looked, the way I dressed, the type of music I listened to, and the types of parenting I had. It went on for the better part of my childhood until I decided one fateful day to make a stand against it. I have been called derogatory names, I have been ridiculed I have been mocked, and I have been physically abused, all over the fact that I was albino, and couldn't see well. Little did my bullies know was I grew up in an abusive home. My mother and father drank, and took drugs as a means to run from their past, and their withdrawals led them to be violent and emotionally abusive toward me. So I know the definition of bullying

Fast forward to today. I belong to an online community that is in conjunction to a game that I like and play on my downtime. I admit I am one of those that speaks my mind, is blunt, and doesn't hold back an ounce of truth if I can help it. Being repressed in an abusive home, and also being a Guns N Roses fan, has taught me to speak if I feel either something isn't right, or I don't agree with something. I say whatever I need to say, but there is no vulgarity in my forum posts at all, there is also no signs of ridicule. On my personal Facebook site I feel that is my personal space to vent about whatever I am feeling, and people can take that if they wish, or not. It is entirely their choice in the end to read the posts reply to them, or completely ignore them and either delete me or what not from their friends list. I will never repress my thoughts and emotions from anyone. that is just how I am.

So far on this online community I have been accused of being a bully, simply because I do not agree with certain posters, and either their chosen words, or actions at that time. I am sorry but your definition of "bully" is false. It is called a difference of opinion.

Some friends of mine and I have been invited to join a site, as a joke to another poster. Yet again I am accused of bullying, simply by being guilty by association. In the meantime while that site gets taken down, my personal e mails from another user surface. This inferiorates me, since first off this was a private conversation from months past, that have absolutely nothing to do with what they are fighting against in the here and now. I have been bullied by users on this online community by a "Freebie attack" (sending an ungodly amount of free gifts to my game account in attempt to freeze it or bog down my computer) along with horrible messages enclosed with the gifts. I did go to the forums and asked for this behavior to cease, and it did. Those people know what they did was wrong, but instead of later apologizing to me, they say I deserve it because I "rub people the wrong way" So far I haven't seen any of these people post, but I do feel that they know what they did was wrong, and they refuse to come back and either admit they were wrong, or simply apologizing for their actions. I have since dropped it.

After my e mails surface, I say my piece, that the owner of the site is a piece of scum, that is no better of a person than we are by airing private conversations from private e mails and groups. A lot of us have had our names slung in mud just so this idiot can have her glory of being a "good cyber citizen" She has since had her facebook account deactivated, and reinstated.

I post my opinions in the forums, and I automatically get accused of bullying, three times. I even have it in my status for the game "Having an opinion and a mind of my own does not make me a bully" But of course there are going to be certain people there who wish to push buttons. I have never, called anyone names, tried to take over power, chase after these people daily to ridicule them, or threaten them in the least bit. Their definition of Bully needs to be updated. One of these days they may call me a bully in a heated moment, and I may have a day in civil court for defamation, if I get any accounts revoked.

I have had it. I am not a bully, I am a truthful person, and if the truth hurts, Deal with it.

Something to think about

I was saying in an earlier entry that I wished sometimes I was never uprooted from, my hometown. For me now allergies play a huge role in that. In Flagstaff the only thing I ever had to worry about was cold and cabin fever. It's interesting how climate changes can affect one's lifestyles. Or comfort levels for that matter.

In Arizona, I never suffered from allergies, I was more active, and I had more of a social life. Since I didn't drive my only link to my own sanity is the local transit lines. Say what you will about city transit, it sure beats having to beg for rides everywhere just to get out of the house. For someone like me who has very poor eyesight, poor enough to where I am not legally allowed to drive, transit was my rope to sanity. My link to the outside world. I remember those days of calling my mom, dad, friends, and such telling them "Hey let's go here, there, wherever, I'll be on the next bus" That seems like days of old now.

The allergies here are awful, I wake up some mornings to have a headache so bad I can't even bear to open my eyes, my nose feels like I sniffed gasoline the night before, and my stomach feels like I drank an oil sludge. I never woke up in Flagstaff that way, Now I would be grateful to wake up to use a cold toilet seat, and waling across a cold floor. Anything would beat the more than once a week migraines.

I am gearing up to go back to Flagstaff this summer. I haven't been more excited to go back home in this long. I can't wait to see the mountains, hang out at my old hangouts, make a photo and video doc of where I lived when I was younger, and spend time with my mom, dad and sister. If only for two weeks, I will live those two weeks up to the fullest. I won't be going back for a while after that.

I was one of those people who said, "I hate this place I wish I could move and never come back" but that town has called my name, even a week after I moved here to Florida. I never realized what I really had there, a family, a job, a band, a comfortable place to live, reliable internet, no allergies, transit, ...gosh seems the possibilities were endless there, and I was too hasty to leave.

It all comes down to this, even if I did leave my home, I will always have a home with my wonderful husband and daughter, so all the migraines in the world are worth it to be with them.

My first post

I have blogged before, but it was years ago. I decided to pick it up, more for my personal benefit. I always have liked to journal, but never had that desire to pick up a pen and simply write. So much about me, so I will start with the basics

My name is Duff, and have no idea why my parents named me that. I happen to be a huge fan of Guns N Roses, and coincidentally, the bass player from that band's name is Duff McKagan. I have always loved music all my life, since my mother was a music major in college when I was younger, and my father played in a local band. I had musical influence from everything, from Mozart to Van Halen to ZZ Top. My parents preferred hard rock and progressive rock though. So that rubbed off on me. We grew up in poor neighborhoods, so I got influenced as well by rap, hip hop and R&B. Country and Rockabilly were never to my taste since it reminded me of long hot summer vacations on the reservation, waking up at 6 o'clock in the morning, to herd sheep. I always thought to myself, waking up at 6AM to run after a herd of sheep is not my idea of a summer vacation.

My parents grew up on the reservation of Arizona, and both are full blood Navako. My father is albino though, so I get a lot of physical traits from him. From the poor eyesight, to the light skin. I however, grew up in the city of Flagstaff Arizona, a little mountain town that grew up around the railroad. I have recently relocated to Florida with my husband to start a family of my own, but I sometimes think to myself how much I could stay in Flagstaff. So I can show my daughter where I grew up, she can go to the schools I went to, she can graduate at the same high school, and she can get to know a lot of people and get that sense of being home if she ever moves away, and comes back for a visit. Here in this little town we are at now, it's a small close knit community, but has very little to do for youth. that is, unless they sign up for after school sports or such. I wish there was more for Sadie to do around here that was more kid oriented, like there is in Flagstaff. This town we are in now is more rural though, so there's not a whole lot of options for anyone to do. If you want anything to do here in Keystone Heights, You're better off driving to Gainesville or Jacksonville.

I will most definitely add more later, but for now, this is it.