My biggest character flaw

Yeah I am a hard ass I admit it. But there is always one thing that always bothers me and it drags me down; that is disappointing the people I care about.

I know it's a part of life, but throughout my childhood I have been led to believe that I was a big disappointment. I never realized until recently my parents said those things to me out of frustration. They said those things to me to get what they wanted, to have that drink, that last smoke, and i was in their way. Those comments have left some deep scars with me, and to this day it tears me apart when someone says to me I have pissed them off, I have disappointed them, or I make their lives unlivable.

I hear these things from my husband and some friends of mine, some of the time they are valid. I have a tendency to let my emotions take over and I fall overboard. Let's face it, I am a Scorpio. I have very deep emotions. I love, hate, get angry, get sad, or do anything to the extreme. There is no middle ground with me. What my emotions are is all or nothing, and I thank the people I hold close dearly for putting up with me.

I am not making excuses for my behavior, nor am I condoning it. I think of this more as a self analyzation. Because sometimes I wonder why I react to certain things the way i do. Why must written words hurt me so much? Why is it hard for me to accept criticism? I believe those problems stem from my childhood. At times there is a point where I think to myself, why must I even have companionship if all there is is unhappiness? If I make this person angry? I would be happier alone. I was never happier alone.

But I wanted to reach out when I was alone. I started building up relationships with inanimate objects when I was alone. I wanted that human companionship and acceptance. I never really got it from my parents. They were either too busy working, drinking, or on their own time. I never really had those days of family outings and such. If those happened we were taking trips to the grocery store and that was nothing special.

I wish I had that one on one time with my parents so I could learn how to build a relationship with someone. And if I did spend time with my parents I wish they never fed me negative criticism about how much of a burden I was as a young child. Those days are far and gone now, and I am barely picking up the pieces of my lost childhood. Yet I feel there is an empty space that is there. It shows when I am around other people. I am vulnerable, and weak, yet I have this high wall of hate that surrounds me like a fortress.

I ever wonder if I will ever make anyone happy just for being me. Just once. That would make my life complete. That would make me happy.