My biggest character flaw

Yeah I am a hard ass I admit it. But there is always one thing that always bothers me and it drags me down; that is disappointing the people I care about.

I know it's a part of life, but throughout my childhood I have been led to believe that I was a big disappointment. I never realized until recently my parents said those things to me out of frustration. They said those things to me to get what they wanted, to have that drink, that last smoke, and i was in their way. Those comments have left some deep scars with me, and to this day it tears me apart when someone says to me I have pissed them off, I have disappointed them, or I make their lives unlivable.

I hear these things from my husband and some friends of mine, some of the time they are valid. I have a tendency to let my emotions take over and I fall overboard. Let's face it, I am a Scorpio. I have very deep emotions. I love, hate, get angry, get sad, or do anything to the extreme. There is no middle ground with me. What my emotions are is all or nothing, and I thank the people I hold close dearly for putting up with me.

I am not making excuses for my behavior, nor am I condoning it. I think of this more as a self analyzation. Because sometimes I wonder why I react to certain things the way i do. Why must written words hurt me so much? Why is it hard for me to accept criticism? I believe those problems stem from my childhood. At times there is a point where I think to myself, why must I even have companionship if all there is is unhappiness? If I make this person angry? I would be happier alone. I was never happier alone.

But I wanted to reach out when I was alone. I started building up relationships with inanimate objects when I was alone. I wanted that human companionship and acceptance. I never really got it from my parents. They were either too busy working, drinking, or on their own time. I never really had those days of family outings and such. If those happened we were taking trips to the grocery store and that was nothing special.

I wish I had that one on one time with my parents so I could learn how to build a relationship with someone. And if I did spend time with my parents I wish they never fed me negative criticism about how much of a burden I was as a young child. Those days are far and gone now, and I am barely picking up the pieces of my lost childhood. Yet I feel there is an empty space that is there. It shows when I am around other people. I am vulnerable, and weak, yet I have this high wall of hate that surrounds me like a fortress.

I ever wonder if I will ever make anyone happy just for being me. Just once. That would make my life complete. That would make me happy.

June 1989

It was a typical summer day. I woke up, walked with my mother to my dad's house in the morning, and spent the afternoon with an uncle. But things turned interesting once I decided to take a different route home

I have always wondered what the neighborhood was really like on the blocks between South Beaver, Milton, Butler, and Phoenix Avenue. To my surprise it was a lot like my neighborhood. Older homes probably built between the 20's to the 40's. Two stone churches graced the neighborhood, and the homes, well most of them, had nicely manicured yards. Flowers were everywhere, and I could hear the birds singing. This was a great time for a ten year old to enjoy the summer vacation. Then I heard my name.

Knowing my past with the kids I went to school with, my heart started to pound. I heard my name again... from a nearby house. Just walk by and don't make eye contact I told myself. I was not in the mood to get beat up today.

My name got even louder and this time I couldn't ignore it. I glanced up and there was this girl peeking her head through the screen door of the house on the corner. "Umm do I know you" I said rather idiotically. Of course I knew her, she was that really cool girl that loved music. Especially most of the bands I knew. (I won't mention her name due to privacy issues)

It turns out her and her cousin were hanging out and enjoying the summer afternoon as I was. Yet I was the only one walking in it. They were inside enjoying the luxuries of MTV on a summer day. I got introduced to her cousin, and was invited in. I felt strange.. but I went with it.

We all ended up sitting around the house, talking, laughing and analyzing music videos together. That all changed when one face ended up on television. The guitar player of Guns N Roses. To me he looked like a ragged drunk, but to the other girls he was a sex god. He was skinny, with lush curly hair hiding his face, and a black tophat to complete the ensemble. He was adorned in black leather, as if he were to hop on a Harley and ride into the Hollywood night. The television got turned off and a proposition was made

"I can get my Guns N Roses tape out, we can listen to it" the owner of the house said. Her cousin looked at her weary, as if trouble was about to brew. The owner marched to the back of the house, came back with a cassette in her hand, and she inserted it into this tower of a stereo system. Then she turned up the volume. This was gonna hurt for sure.

From what I knew about Guns N Roses before this point was I have heard them on the radio. I never got much of an impression of them because a lot of their music sounded twangy and country-ish. I remembered being on the Navajo Reservation at my grandmothers house the summer before this, getting up in the early morning hours to chase sheep around. After I got back to the house the radio would be playing and country would fill the house, with that smell of butchered sheep lingering in the air. This was not my idea of a summer vacation and listening to country was the worst because I knew at that time, I was in the middle of nowhere. I hated every second of that trip and chose never to stay at my grandmother's house again.

"Sweet Child O' Mine" came on the radio a few months after my trip, and it to me sounded country trying to be rock. I knew no background of this band, yet they turned me off. Little did I know about the rest of their music they had put out. "Paradise City" came out and it reminded me of Lynyrd Skynyrd, something my parents listened to. Don't get me wrong, I love classic rock, but if I had to listen to "Freebird" one more time I would have to kill someone. "Patience" came out and that did it for me. Twang Twang.

But once the cassette rolled this hot summer afternoon I felt sucker punched. I could taste my own blood in my mouth. Hearing that delayed guitar jump right out at me was unexpected. The rest of the band joined in and BOOM! it was over. I was a fan. More songs played and I was lusting for more. This type of music was raw, and so dangerous I could smell the sweat of every single member of that band. They weren't even in that same room I was in at that time, but that was the vibe I had. I had my mind set once the cousin yelled over the music to no avail "You think the cops will get called this time?" I was sold. I had to know the title of this album.

The owner of the house had me take a look at the cassette box, and my ten year old mind was wandering. Who was the singer, I knew who Slash was, thanks to MTV, but who was this cute singer I kept hearing about? I saw this bushy blonde guy with sunglasses and jean jacket on. That's gotta be him, I thought to myself. Wrong! I looked at the title section of the J card. I saw two banners above and below a cross like image. The cross had five skulls on it. I guess the skulls signified the members of the band. I saw the top banner said "Guns N Roses" but I had a hard time reading the bottom one. Being young, and having eyesight issues, those letters mushed together. they swayed back and forth, and of course the words were big. I did ask the title of the album, yet forgot later.

I had left that house realizing I had reached an epiphany in my young life. I had heard some life changing music that spoke volumes to me. I didn't hear "I'm fucking innocent!" I heard, "This is how I choose to express myself. You have your own voice, so don't be afraid to use it, If something bothers you, say something about it, and don't ever be afraid to show your emotions."

It took me a couple of months to really remember the title of the album, but once I did, it will stick with me for the rest of my life. That band has been a life changing experience, and if it wasn't for me taking a different route home... I would have still been a Def Leppard fan....

Thank you, you know who you are

I will always hove something to say

Let's get one thing straight. This is my personal blog, and the writing is based on my own thoughts and experiences. This is my place where I am entitled to "whine". If you cowardly fucks don't like whining, go somewhere else. First off too if you're gonna tell me not to whine in my own blog, at least have the balls to identify yourself.

I only laugh at your remarks cause they don't hurt me. Since you're too much of a chicken shit to let me know who you really are, you aren't worth much to me. If you don't like the material I post, move along...

All you are is dirt off my shoulders. I say that with a goodbye and a block, so goodbye :)